Sunday, July 09, 2006

To Jim Shooter!

Countrymen, I return from exile momentarily to issue a missive: Raise your scotch glasses in honor of Jim Shooter, goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus and the finest son of a bitch of the twentieth century.

Jim Shooter is twice as likely as Tom DeFalco to dropkick you.

His arch-enemies are Joseph Stalin and the Wolfman.

Jim Shooter can devour an entire African elephant and still have room for seconds.

The character of Popeye was loosely based on Jim Shooter.

While confined in a North Korean POW camp, Shooter came into possession of an enemy soldier's bayonet, which he subsequently used to kill every single armed combatant in the camp. Since escaping, Shooter has kept the blade on his person at all times. A popular myth amongst superstitious hobos tells that the bayonet possesses demonic bloodlust which must be quenched periodically, lest its owner succumb to demonic possesssion. Shooter chooses to indulge the blade's evil intentions only with the blood of the wicked.

To Jim Shooter!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

To Jim Shooter!

Citizens of America, I implore you to raise your scotch glasses in honor of Jim Shooter, the finest sonofabitch of the twentieth century.

His relationship with Bigfoot closely paralells that of Gilgamesh and Enkidu.

Jim Shooter's CPU is a neural-net processor. A learning computer.

The CIA has him on speed-dial.

His favorite sitcoms are "Empty Nest" and "Night Court".

Sometime in the '50s, Jim Shooter was abducted by malevolent trickster aliens and forced to compete in an intergalactic boxing competition. His performance would ultimately decide Earth's fate: Fail and it would face utter annihilation. Succeed and the aliens would be sated for another fifty years. Shooter accepted his responsibility, and under the training and guidance of the ghost of American President Abraham Lincoln, met all challengers and emerged undefeated. He is expected to defend his title within the next four years.

To Jim Shooter!

Monday, April 24, 2006

To Jim Shooter!

Yes, it's that time again - Time to raise our scotch glasses to the patron saint of; Renegade folk hero Jim Shooter.

He has a bumper sticker on his Hum-Vee that says "My other car is a monster truck."

The location of Jimmy Hoffa's corpse is Jim Shooter's stomach.

Jim Shooter diffused the Cuban Missle Crisis.

His favorite song is "Blue Collar Man," by Styx.

In 1977, Jim Shooter and Elvis Presley, under the divine mandate of Aztec Sun God Huitzilopochtli, journeyed into the Hollow Earth, the dark place where Huitzilopochtli's power cannot reach, to end the tyrannical rule of the evil Nazisaurs therein. These titans of humanity, the world's finest super-team, single-handedly destroyed the Nazisaur army and prevented their imminent invasion of the surface. This was to be only the first of their legendary exploits as Earth's greatest secret defenders.

To Jim Shooter!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

To Jim Shooter!

Let us raise our scotch glasses, friends, to that mythic man-beast Jim Shooter, the finest sonofabitch of our time.

He's arm-wrestled more Grizzly bears - And won - than any other man on the planet.

He starts every morning by eating five pounds of live bees for breakfast.

I once saw Jim Shooter raze an entire orphanage with a sledgehammer just to prove that he could.

His favorite musical is "Guys and Dolls."

He and Amelia Earhart lived together on a mysterious island populated by a race of pygmies - Where they were worshipped as fertility gods - For decades until her sudden death. Shooter, bereaved, accidently washed all the pygmies to sea with his tears. The island remains undiscovered by science, its history lost, like so many tears and pygmies, to the waves of time.

To Jim Shooter!